Living Successfully with a Challenging Spouse
In this 7 part article I'll explore 7 ways of successfully coping with depressed, anxious, bipolar and or other challenging spouses.
By Anita Estes
“How do you live with a depressed husband and remain happy?” A friend questioned me as she sank into her chair. Her eyes implored. “What’s your secret?”
For a number of years, I wrestled with this issue and cried many tears. Today I stand in victory. However, understand that the victory can be a day-by-day battle and not everything is wonderful all the time, but I have learned to be content and have a happy life. Though it didn't start out this way.
As a picture-perfect young couple, I envisioned my marriage as close to ideal. I believed my strong faith, coupled with my spouse’s, would help us straddle every hurdle with ease. Was I wrong! At the time, I didn’t realize my tall dark and handsome husband suffered from depression and mood swings.
In our early years, we joked about his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde split personality. I thought he would overcome it, but he didn’t. Since our marriage was affected adversely, he finally went to a doctor who recommended medication for depression. He improved, but the anxiety and mood swings remained.
We went through years of counseling, inner healing and doctors, which helped to some degree. Then he fell into a cycle of anxiety-depression-anger-repentance. I truly loved him, yet he challenged every inch of my Christianity and drained me.
His ups and downs, kept us riding an emotional roller coaster with periods of normalcy sandwiched between. In an upswing, he possessed a great sense of humor and a keen observation of people. During his downswing, he often dwelt on all the sorrow in this world and couldn’t cope. It wasn’t until twenty years later that a psychiatrist diagnosed these mood swings as bipolar disorder.
For many years he spent a lot of time in the bedroom sleeping, or in the garage tinkering. Like the MGB sports car he forever tore apart and put back together, he required a mechanic’s specialized manual. I felt at a loss.
Since I was committed to the marriage, I wanted to work out our problems. However, I felt frustrated and deeply disappointed---having a good marriage meant so much to me since my parents’ marriage bordered on dysfunctional. How could I survive with this high maintenance model and better yet---be happy?
Throughout the years, God gently taught me different lessons that became the keys to my emotional freedom and our long-lasting marriage.
1. I had to realize I cannot change my spouse, only God can. As much as I tried to manipulate, cajole and threaten my husband, he would not change because of my tactics. I battled accepting him with all his faults. I believed I had the right to demand certain things of him. While he needed to own up to his actions and become more stable, this could only occur in an atmosphere of unconditional, agape love.
Coming from a family whose acceptance was based largely on performance, I didn’t possess that kind of love to give. I prayed God would breakthrough to my husband so he could know that absolute love. Then I discovered God wanted me to work alongside Him and acquire this total love also.
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